Hogwarts A, B, C's
by Taylor Hayes
Summary: I've given in! This is a series of drabbles, shorts and crack!shots about the past and present students of Hogwarts, and each one is based on a word that begins with each letter in the alphabet. Also, I was kinda channeling Luna... Try it out!


**HOGWARTS A, B, C'S**

a/n So this came about because I found I'm good at writing random drabbles, shorts and crack!shots in the middle of meetings. And for the past week, every time I've had to be in a meeting, I'll just whip out a notebook and aim for a new letter. And these really were the first words that came to mind with each letter. Also, I decided to just put them up all at once, 'cause I have no patience, and it would be annoying for anyone who has me on author alert to get 36 alerts all at once. Enjoy!

**A- Alchemy**

"No, Ron!"

"Come on, Hermione. Just a few cups?"

"Ron, it's not that simple!"

"Can you change them into gold or not?"

"Well, yes, but-"

"_Please!_"

"_No_, Ron! I am not going to perform an ancient, absurdly complex spell to turn lead to gold just so you can buy a few more Chocolate Frogs on the train ride home!"

"Goody goody."

"Shut up, or I'll turn _you_ into a Chocolate Frog, Ronald."

**B- Beetles**

"Professor Snape?"

"Yes, Miss Lovegood?"

"Could I borrow three newt eyes?"

A heavy sigh. "_Why_, Miss Lovegood?"

"I think the beetles in my cauldron are lonely."

"Miss Lovegood, you are aware, are you not, that you are meant to be brewing a Shrinking Solution?"

"The Snorgaffs are allergic to Shrinking Solutions. So I decided to teach your beetles to do tricks instead."

"Professor Snape?"

"Yes, Miss Abbot?"

"Can I help Luna?"

"No, Miss Abbot." Grumbles. "Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs. I hate my job."

**C- Camel**

"Have you ever ridden on a camel, Harry?"

"No."

"Well, you should! It was bloody great! I tell you, Egypt was wicked."

"Shut up, Ron."

"Yeah, shut up, Ron."

"You hated that camel-"

"-since you got motion sick-"

"-and it kept spitting on you-"

"-and refusing to go where you wanted it to."

"No one asked you two!" Stomps away.

"He got motion sick on a _camel_?"

"Yup."

"Indeed."

"What about you two?"

Evil grins and said together, "We turned our camels into dinosaurs."

**D- Donkey**

"Miss Lovegood?"

"Yes, Headmaster?"

"Can I ask _why _you spelled Mr. Longbottom's ears into donkey ears? You realize Madam Pomfrey won't manage to change them back for three days."

"Yes, Headmaster."

"I repeat, why do this, Miss Lovegood?"

"I convinced Neville and Ginny and Dean to act out a scene from _A Midsummer Night's Dream_. And Neville was playing Bottom, and he gets his head turned into a donkey's, and I thought it would be easier for him to say his lines if it was just his ears that were transfigured into a donkey's, you see."

"Oh." Then bursts into laughter.

**E- Evangelist**

"So, wait. Let me get this straight. It's a muggle who claims he can do magic, and says it's God who gave him this fake magic to do miracles. And he's on this tell-ee thing because of that?"

"Yeah."

"Harry, that's bloody crazy! What if the Ministry of Magic thought he was a real wizard and stuck him in Azkaban for telling the other muggles?"

Silence and a book is shut.

"Ronald, _must_ you act so stupid?"

**F- Fixation**

"Ginny?"

"What, Ron?"

"What's with this new _fixation_ of yours?"

Snort. "Did Hermione just teach you what "fixation" meant?"

"Shut up! That isn't important! Your entire notebook is full of sketches and pictures of him, and I'm worried."

"Sometimes, Ron, you just have to ignore your worries and everything that might stop you, and simply go with your heart."

"Ginny, I think someone hexed you."

"Ron, it's love! Stop trying to tear us apart!"

"Sis, you've filled an entire four pages with the phrase "Mrs. Ginny Hagrid"."

**G- Goatherd**

"Ron, will you _please_ pay attention?"

"Wha-?"

"_Ron!_"

"Blimey, Hermione! What?"

"I'm not going to keep helping you with your class work if you never pay attention. What am I supposed to be, your shepherd?"

"Goatherd."

"...I'm sorry, George. What was that?"

"He said you're more like a goatherd, Hermione."

"Fred, George, you're not making any sense."

"We figure Ronny here is more stubborn-"

"-annoying-"

"-self centered-"

"-and real likely to eat something he can't digest-"

"-which makes him less like a sheep (except in the last regard)-"

"-and more like a goat."

"Which is why you're a goatherd," they finished.

**H- Hat**

"Ronald, what are you wearing?"

"Mum decided not to make us sweaters for Christmas this year."

"So she decided to make you-?"

"Hats. Yeah."

"And the... tinsel?"

A heavy sigh. "Luna Lovegood stayed with our family for the holidays."

**I- Igloo**

The snowball fight was in full swing when Fred and George tried to drag Hermione into the battle.

Taking a moment to freeze the troublemaking twins solid, Hermione put up a shield spell. A flurry of snowballs splattered against the invisible wall.

"Hermione!" Ginny yelled. "That's cheating!"

The brunette pushed back her curls and began constructing an igloo fort. A few quick switches of her wand, and it was projectile-proofed.

After transfiguring her scarf into a thick rug, she plopped down and pulled back out _The Four Elements: an In-Depth Study of the Uses of the Basic Forces of Fire, Wind, Earth, and Water in Defensive Magics_. She settled in with the book while the snow war continued outside of her packed and smoothed, icy dome.

Until Luna got creative, aimed a blast of sunshine, and melted the entire thing on the brilliant witch.

**J- Jelly Fish**

"Luna?"

"Yes, Hermione?"

"What is that?"

"I'm attempting to recreate a muggle creature which Harry told me about. It's for a diorama in Muggle Studies."

"And what is this... _creature_, Luna?"

"Can't you tell?"

"Luna, all I see is a minnow drowning in a fish bowl full of raspberry jam."

"Actually, it's _jelly_."

"A... jelly... fish?"

"Exactly!"

Hermione wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry at the small, excited blonde.

**K- Ketamine**

"Bloody hell, Albus! What the blazes did you do that for?"

"We had to put him out somehow! He saw me magic that toad! And I don't remember the spell for forgetting."

"But... that's ketamine!"

"What?"

"_Horse tranquilizer_, Albus!"

"Oh."

"What I ever did to deserve a brother like you, I will never know."

"Yeah, well, help me get his feet. We can't exactly just leave a knocked out milkman lying in the road, now can we?"

"I hate you, Albus."

"Well I think you're a great brother, Aberforth."

"Shut up and lift."

**L- Lollipops**

"Happy Anniversary, Ginny."

"What are you hiding behind your back?"

"Uh," pulls it out. "A lollipop bouquet?"

"Oh, Harry! That's so sweet!" Wraps her arms around his neck, then grabs one of the sweets, pulling off the wrapper and sucking it into her mouth. Finally, she smiles up at him.

He blinks. "Ginny..."

"Yes?"

"Your eyes are... _blue_."

"WHAT?"

Both stare at the lollipop.

"Harry, where exactly did you get these?"

"Fred suggested them..."

Groan. "Harry, you can be a real idiot. But I love you anyway."

"I love you too, Ginny Potter."

**M- Master**

Lord Voldemort breathed deeply the smell of London. Striding alone down Diagon Alley, a cruel twist to his lips, the crowds parted easily before him. Eyes followed in fear and awe, and Bellatrix lurked in the shadows of a shop. Her adored, evil master walked free again.

Then she stared, unmoving, her heart in her throat, hands clenched around her wand, knuckles white, as a voracious mob rushed forward and surrounded the Dark Lord, buffeting him about.

As the air filled with high pitched giggles, and exclamations of "Squeeeeeee!" and "Kyaaaaah!", Bellatrix sprinted forward in vain, trying to save her master from the horde of fangirls.

"Master! _Master! NOOOOOO!_"

…

Bellatrix shot up in bed, gasping for breath and cursing young, excitable girls the world over.

**N- Nosey**

Draco Malfoy watched in confusion as his partner for the day's Herbology assignment whispered teasingly to a huge, fanged flower.

"Loony, what're you _doing?_"

Luna Lovegood spun to give him a bothered look. "Draco, it's really impolite to listen in on private conversations."

"We're supposed to be collecting mandrakes, Loony! Not attempting to carry on a debate with some bloodthirsty plant!"

"Oh, don't worry, Draco. I already told Professor Sprout about how we're opposed to plucking out mandrakes until they've reached their teens. Otherwise, they never learn to fly. Or speak."

Draco's mouth fell wide open and incredulous shock filled his face. He finally rolled his eyes, mumbling, "Absolutely balmy... crazed... completely _mental_... just an utter _loon_..." as he wandered away.

But he was still close enough to hear Luna go back to her "conversation". "He's nice enough, but he really can be a bit nosey, can't he?"

**O- Orangutan**

"Miss Granger."

"Yes, Professor?"

"Can you tell me, _precisely_, how this happened?"

"Well... I was practicing a charm for a test today. And when Malfoy _accidentally_ tripped Ron, he bumped into me, and my spell went sideways, by _mistake_, and hit Malfoy."

"Very well. Now, Miss Granger, can you inform me what exactly you changed Mr. Malfoy into? I've been receiving complaints from all 'round the school. And all anyone seems to agree upon is that the culprit had a great deal of fur."

"I believe he's a rare, albino orangutan. They're an endangered species, you know."

A cough covered a low chuckle, and then Professor McGonagall drew herself up to bestow a heavy, disappointed look on her most gifted student. "10 points from Gryffindor for unauthorized use of magic in the corridors, two days of detention, and you are hereby excused from classes for the day, until you capture and return Mr. Malfoy to his original form."

"But, Professor-!"

"Miss Granger."

"Of course, Professor," she sighed. "I'll begin immediately.

As she turned to go, there was a light clearing of the throat behind her, and she turned back to find the Head of House struggling not to smile. "For future reference, Miss Granger, a Ring-Tailed Monkey would perhaps be easier to catch."

"Yes, Professor," Hermione bit her lip to keep from smiling, trying to look properly chastised.

Leaving Professor McGonagall shaking her head. "No other House..."

**P- Popsicle**

It was summer, and Harry was dying of heat. As if that weren't enough, Aunt Petunia had returned from the market with a bag of frozen popsicles and passed them round to Dudley and his friends.

But did Harry get one? Of course not.

The eight-year-old boy was feeling oddly temperamental, and spent nearly twenty minutes glaring at his aunt. But it wasn't until he had stepped out to go work on the hedges, as she had ordered him to, that there was a scream from inside Number Four, Privet Drive.

Rushing back in, he stopped and stared in amazement, along with his cousin, Dudley's friends, and Uncle Vernon.

Aunt Petunia sat on the floor besides the fridge, the freezer door wide open, and the bag of unexplainably melted popsicles running over her hair, face and dress.

"What happened?" Uncle Vernon demanded.

"I- I don't know," Aunt Petunia replied, sounding thoroughly bewildered. "I think I slipped on something, and reached for the handle to the fridge to stop from falling. The next thing I knew, I was here." Then she finally seemed to realize what was in her curls. "Oh, no! Vernon," she whined. "I just had my hair done _last week_."

"Well, it costs too much for you to do it again this month," he declared, drawing himself up in annoyance.

"But, Cuddle-bumpkin-!"

"No!"

Harry took a positive, unholy amount of glee from the sight of his aunt's bright red and purple curls for the remainder of the month.

**Q- Quarter**

Everyone in the stands came to their feet, screaming for at the two Seekers, who flew less than a quarter of an inch apart as they both reached desperately for the Snitch.

Tilting their broom down to dive even harder, one of the two flew forward, fingers wrapping tightly around the tiny, darting gold ball, barely pulling up fast enough to keep from hitting the ground hard enough to break bones.

The crowd was standing on benches, screaming and stomping, and waving pennants and flags, as the announcer yelled, "He's done it! Harry Potter has beaten out Victor Krum, the most famous Seeker of all time, to win the game!"

And a very pregnant redheaded woman sat in the front row with a similar looking, fairly intoxicated man on her right, and a cheering brunette, with a small child on her lap, to her left.

"Well done, Harry."

"Part time professional Quidditch player, part time Auror, and full time family man. It really was a smart choice, Ginny."

"Yes, well, we'd better sober Ron up so he can get properly drunk again at the celebration party."

A sigh from the brunette, as she gazed fondly at her jumping husband, yelling himself hoarse about how "That's my best friend! That's my bloody best friend, you rotters!"

"We did pick a pair of interesting men, didn't we, Ginny?"

"Hermione, we both know we wouldn't have it any other way."

"Well, of course."

**R- Rooster**

"Weasley, put down the rooster."

"I can't, Professor!"

"I am losing my patience, Weasley. Put. Down. The rooster."

"I told you, Professor, I _can't!_"

"Sixty points from Gryffindor for insubordination and talking back to a teacher!"

"Professor, he means that he literally _can't_ put the bird down!"

"Granger, you are a good student. That, however, does _not_ give you the right to make excuses for your idiot boyfriend."

"She's telling the truth! He's-"

"Potter!"

"-been jinxed! He can't let it-"

"_Potter!_"

"-go! And it was bloody _Malfoy_ who-!"

"POTTER! SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP! ANOTHER FIFTY POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR FOR INTERRUPTING CLASS AND MAKING UNFOUNDED ACCUSATIONS!"

"But-!"

"_NO_, Potter. Detention. All three of you, for the next two weeks."

The smirk dropped off the pale blonde Slytherin's face when Hermione glared and mouthed at him, "Monkey."

And Snape was too busy spelling the sodding bird silent to see.

**S- Slugs**

"I hate you two!"

"Poor ickle Ronny-kins!"

"It's not our fault that your little backfired spell is the talk of the school!"

"_Everyone_ wants to spit up slugs to get out of class."

"We're just offering them a less disgusting-"

"-more appealing-"

"-version, which makes us some Galleons."

Another burp, and the twins caught the real slug to compare to their jelly ones.

"Have a Sickle, Ron," they grinned.

"I still hate you both."

**T- Tuna**

"You know, Harry, I've heard that the food muggles refer to as "tuna fish" is actually dolphin."

"That's just an old wives tale, Luna."

"Do you suppose there's a convention?"

"Huh?"

"For the old wives. So they can all get together and tell each other their stories. And then they would always have knew ones to share!"

"Luna..."

"Yes, Harry?"

"...never mind."

"All right!"

**U- Uncle**

"Do you give up?"

"James, this isn't funny!"

"Oh, come on, Moony. It's just a bit of good fun!"

"Sirius! I swear if you and James don't stop this-!"

"Yeah?"

"I'll-! I'll-!"

"It m-might be easier t-to j-j-just call U-Uncle, Remus."

"NO! Now _get me out of this bloody harness!_"

"You're no fun anymore, Moony"

"JAMES!"

**V- Vase**

Lily looked slowly between the two Valentine's gifts she had received.

The enormous, deep crimson bouquet had come with a large, annoyingly bright pink, heart-shaped card, which read: "Lovely Lily- When you plant your garden, I'd be glad for you to plant your two-lips with mine! Yours, James".

Lily couldn't help the happy, embarrassed giggle at the cheesy contents of the missive.

Then her eyes fell on the single white rose. It had come without any type of message, but the girl knew who it was from.

She had been the one to force him to learn what different flowers meant. White roses stood for "purity of intent".

Reaching out, Lily placed the pale bloom in her only vase and leaned forward to breathe in the subtle, lovely fragrance.

"Thank you, Severus."

**W- Windowseat**

"What do you suppose life is like as a statue?"

"Uh, what?"

"Just go with it, Harry."

"But, Ginny-"

Glare.

"I don't know, Luna. What do _you_ suppose life is like as a statue?"

"Bollocks, I'd guess."

"..._what?_"

"I'm only saying, Harry."

"Ginny, I don't think I'll be hanging out with you and Luna anytime soon."

"I understand, Harry."

He stands and hurries off.

"Ginny?"

"Yeah, Luna?"

"What do you suppose life is like as a windowseat?"

**X- Xylophone**

"Muggles have no sense of creativity."

"What was that, Ron?"

"Well, see, I just found this muggle dictionary. And so I was flipping through. And they've only got, like, three words that begin with the letter 'x'. X-ray, xenon, and xylophone. Which is really sad. I mean, 'x' is a right useful letter."

"Oh, yeah? If you can make a list of twenty wizarding words beginning with the letter 'x' before dinner, I'll do your homework for a week."

"You're on, Hermione!"

…

Ron did his own homework that week, and was never allowed to say a thing about "muggle vocabulary" again.

**Y- Yesterday**

As Harry stood in the graveyard, and Cedric flew backward in a flash of green light, he looked up to see Wormtail scuffling closer.

Instead of panicking or trying to run, as the traitor was expecting, Harry raised an eyebrow.

"This all seems so familiar."

Wormtail froze, mouth dropping open to reveal his crooked, yellowing teeth. "What?"

"You know," Harry shrugged carelessly. "Like it happened before. Even yesterday."

"You mean... déjà vu?

"Yes! Exactly!"

As Wormtail tilted his head and scratched at the back of his ear, a habit he still hadn't managed to break, trying to understand, Harry whipped out his wand.

"_Stupefy!_"

Then he strode over to look down at the unconscious Death Eater. "I can't believe you fell for that. All those years as a rat didn't do you any good. _Accio Cup!_"

The Boy Who Lived disappeared from the graveyard, and the illusion of a dead Cedric Diggory faded away. Which left He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named's plans in a shambles.

Occasionally, Trelawney was of actual use.

**Z- Zanzibar**

"Will you lot _please_ stick together?"

"Charlie, we're in sodding _Zanzibar!_ No way we're going to calm down!"

The dragon wrangler could only stand back and pray they wouldn't be arrested, as the group of school friends rushed through the market, creating chaos in their wake.

"I'm telling you, Neville, those aren't candy!"

"You weren't kidding?"

"Harry, will you buy me one of those beaded scarves?"

"Uh, yeah, sure, Ginny."

"Hermione, quit messing with my hair!"

"Well, if you would just _hold still_, Ronald. Oh, no."

"What?"

"Luna, _that is not a Single-Snouted Gernish! That's a KING COBRA!_"

Charlie sighed. Next time, he'd come home for a visit, instead of inviting them to wherever he was working. It was just safer that way.

**fin.**


End file.
